Toughest task yet?

Recess week sees the daunting task of two assignments within the short span of a week. Is it the most nefarious week that law school had thrown at me thus far?

God, I really need Your grace and providence for me to tide through this painful recess week.

Strength

I woke up this morning feeling lethargic and restless. After doing my quiet time, I gazed out of my window. The sun was not its usual scorching self and the clouds lay adorn across the sky in their pretty little spaces. Checking the clock, I wondered to myself, “This is bizzare. It is 11am in the morning. Shouldn’t the sun be scorching hot?” After reminding myself that I needed to exercise in view of the upcoming Law-Med games, I put on my running shoes and trudged out of my house, urging myself to whip myself into serious shape.

The run was kinda weird. I started out with a slow trot but became almost breathless after about 1km. Surely this must be the result of 1 month of not exercising. As I dragged my deadened legs in an effort to complete the run, I prayed silently for God to give me the strength to carry on. Gradually, as I warmed up to the pace, my body adjusted to the workout. My pace increased steadily.

As I completed the run, I thanked God for His providence and lay down on the rubber mat of the playground and gazed up at the sky. I marvel at the beauty of His creation, those little white fluffy clouds juxtaposed against the clear blue sky . I thought back at the physical body He had given me, which has allowed me to work and serve others. As I thought about all these, raindrops started pelting on my face, giving me a warm fuzzy feeling. The rain rejuvenated my weary body and my soul.

I picked myself up and proceeded back home, smiling to myself as I think about God’s reminder that He is there.

Battle

Casting Crowns
East to West

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you’ve cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I’ve never sinned but today
I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your [T]ruth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I know you’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I’m not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
(The arms of your mercy I find rest)
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far, the East is from the West

From one scarred hand to the other

Casting Crowns writes the best lyrics ever. Although I have listened to this song countless times before, I did not take real notice of the lyrics until now.
This song sums up Jesus Christ’s redemptive work for us. Indeed, He knows how far He has casted away our sins. However, despite all His redemptive work, we are still not spared from the daily spiritual battles. Yes, like all people, I do struggle and face daily battles with my own sinful self. It serves as a constant reminder of my dependence on God. I am reminded of how I cannot depend upon myself, that it is only through Him that I have the strength to lock horns with the Devil and his temptations.

As I marvel at His power and His providence, I sometimes feel that it is impossible for me to do anything to repay His grace. Nevertheless, it is through His strength and the resultant victory over sin that I can feel His presence and His concern for me.

In this never-ending battle against temptation and the revelation of God’s power, I fully realise my own weaknesses and depravity. It is in times like these where I really want to cry out “God, what would I become if not for you?”

For You Alone

You are the peace that guards my heart
My help in time of need
You are the hope that leads me on
And brings me to my knees

For there I find you waiting
And there I find release
So with all my heart Ill worship
And unto You I sing

For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father, we worship and adore You
Father, we long to see Your face

For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father, we love You
And we worship You this day

One valuable lesson learnt from BSF today – God is in control, even in the most hopeless of situations. It is really in times like this, when my chips are down, and the circumstances look so bleak that I should look up into the sky, turn to God and draw upon His Strength.

Thank You God, for always being there for me.

The Pen

Something within me is urging me to revive this blog after (yet another) long hiatus. Is it the inner sloth that is preventing me from doing the one thing I once loved? Or is it just that my mundane law school life is bereft of things to write about? Nevertheless, in an effort to keep myself sane amidst all the mugging, I decided to make a conscious effort to jot down my thoughts so I can keep my mind off schoolwork every once in a while.

An interesting topic came up today. I had a rather interesting discussion with Jinyong during lunch today. The central theme was simple. What is the social impact that a lawyer can bring to the fore? While I took the position that the impact is negligible, JY the idealist tried to convince me that a lawyer can make a difference to society. Using the example of a corporate lawyer, a person in this position can galvanise the economy by structuring businesses that are beneficial to society. However the retort is that these opportunities are few and far between. Is the practice of law (with the exception of pro bono and criminal work) then about money and nothing else?

Would I be contended with a job that provides little meaning other than providing means for living? Presently, I am satisfied with this notion. But then again, would I be happy performing meaningless tasks in a job that will take up a huge chunk of my life? I have no answers to this question. Perhaps David is right, God placed me in law school so I can the answer to this question myself…

Growth

It seems like yesteryear. The lost boy was venturing deep into unknown territory, be it hostile or not, searching for answers to his questions. Questions that no one, not even himself can answer. “What am I doing here on Earth?” “What is my purpose in life?” “What should be by direction in life?” Like a lost sheep finding a way home, he was constantly on the look for answers. It all culminated in a search for religion to not only attempt to find to resolve his existential issues, but also to satisfy his spiritual needs. Oh, what is man if he does not seek a higher being? No man is strong enough to brave storm all by himself. There is bound to be a divine being up there, watching us mere mortals go about our daily lives fretting over our flaws and bawling when things do not go our way.

“Don’t worry about anything. Just study hard so that you can earn enough money to start a family in the future.” This is the callous response from his parents whenever he attempted to put these questions to his loved ones. But it is not right. Surely, we aren’t mindless robots. Are we mere contraptions created to make little pieces of paper called money so that one can use them to trade for things. It all seems so artificial. Where is the soul, the humanity in all of these? The boy decided that he would not be drawn, like many others to these mindless worldly pursuits. What’s more, so many have fallen down the path in pursuit of wealth. Greed is a sin and money is the root of all evil. And Man is sinful by nature. It could really help if he has a moral compass.

Who can then answer his questions? After futile attempts to glean answers from people, he tried to seek religion. And he found Him in the process. It all really made sense to him now. The joy of finding answers to the interminable questions is unimaginable. Though it is a long and arduous process, fraught with issues faced at home, at work and from friends, he is now sure that as long as he is ever faithful, He will provide. The elation of now being a testimony of God’s work fills this boy with exuberance and zeal for what is to come in the future. Having his first experience with the Holy Spirit signifies a giant step in affirming his faith.

This is my story of my spiritual growth so far. It has been a rather eventful two months with God and through Him, I have experienced his work and the changes he has made on me. Now, I could only pray that his friends and family members can see His light and glory. I have faith that this will come in time.

“Yours O’ Lord is the greatness and the power and the majesty and the glory and the splendor for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O’Lord is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.

1 Chronicles 29:11

Struggle

One paper down and another to go. The much-anticipated semester break is finally upon us and a vile contract test stands between us and the respite all of us are waiting for. As much as I’ve heard stories about exam pressure, I find no such pressure. Maybe it is the hardened warrior in me, so often the calm, cool and collected. Maybe it is the feeling of preparedness. Or maybe it is just the feeling that the results don’t matter much to me anymore.

Nevertheless, the constant struggle to stay awake in the school library, aided by the unrelenting supply of caffeine is taking its toll on me. The battle against myself, trying my best to understand the legal principles behind the wall of indecipherable text is a familiar one waged every day. And among these daily conflicts, I found friendship. It is always heartening to find like-minded warriors who are at your side, constantly encouraging each other to press on. For life itself in a constant struggle. Law school, without doubt is just one of the many hurdles we encounter in this mindless marathon.

Jinyong recently asked me this question, “Why are we studying so hard?” Having no immediate response, I can only mutter a meek “I don’t know” On self-reflection, I can only console myself by telling myself that it is a form of self-justification. But what is there to justify? My answer may be in God and it may be in God’s will that I should keep with His desire.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future” Jer 29:11

May we lived up to whatever we have attained.

Ethics

We had a SLS seminar on the topic of Ethics yesterday. I was quite excited going into this particular lesson as it kind of addresses the topic I was particularly interested in. However, apart from the first half of the lesson, I felt that the second half of the lesson (mainly about the professional conduct of a lawyer) is a huge snore-fest.

The first half of the lesson addresses the issues of public’s perception of lawyers and pure ethics, I was particularly intrigued by the professor’s never-ending antics and his unparalleled (I don’t know if this is a compliment or not) sense of humour. When he asked about the things people use to describe us, ugly and distasteful phrases like spineless, gutless, “Think we are too smart” came up readily from several students. Many were made without much deliberation or hesitation.

What struck me was not about the repulsive descriptions but rather, how it is all so true. The students were merely reiterating descriptions that I have heard time and time again. After 2 months of legal education and considering the cynicism, I am quite sure that there is some truth that we will one day degenerate into the social failures and outcasts that were so aptly described.

And this is the path I’ve chosen to take. One might say that this is utterly illogical considering the huge sacrifice that one must make. However, I beg to differ. Is there even a sacrifice at all? While not completely disregarding the material sacrifices like time for social interaction, I have confidence to not lose my soul in the process. Considering my conviction in placing such immateriality in money and my recent journey to look for God, I believe that I have done enough affirmative action to not lose myself in the endless and mindless rat-race to spiritual oblivion.

This brings me to my next point on the issue of ethics. Are lawyers all unethical? Is our professional conduct a good measure of ethics? And what then, is ethics? Is there a good indicator of ethics?

I concurred with the girl in my class who said that ethics, being a personal moral standard comes from within yourself. While I think that other sources brought up by various students are in their opinion, good sources of ethics, I find that they were merely paying lip service. While we do know the reasonable and some may argue, the universal minimal threshold of ethics, everything else above that becomes grey. These grey areas are precisely what we have to consider in our everyday lives.

A particular source caught my attention. Religion. It seems such a long time ago when I was the confident high school student, ever believing and having faith in myself. Alas, even I, the ultimate self-believer have fallen down the path and misunderstood my personal morals. Can you then blame me for searching for a religion that may undoubtedly gives me a moral compass in which I can conduct my life without feeling the sense of guilt I feel every time I committed a wrong? Although that is not the only reason why I am looking for a religion, it is surely the main reason why i now go to church every Sunday.

The second half of the lesson devolved into a lesson on a lawyer’s professional conduct. While I shall not dwell on the rhetoric and even the paradox of it all, I shall conclude that moral standards should come within yourself and that there should always be someone or something to look to for guidance and direction. In my case, it shall hopefully be guided by religion.

May God save me from losing my soul in the senselessness of it all.

Blog Revival

After close to a year of hiatus into literary obscurity, I decided to revive this dying blog of mine. Part of the reason why I would decide to do this is obvious. I blog when I have a surge of emotions inside me willing to be expressed. Sometimes, I just have random thoughts in my head screaming to be written and recorded. Ever since I entered law school, I have been seeking an outlet to pen down my thoughts about the stark reality of life, competition and friendships. It is therefore in my best interests to keep this sinking ship afloat.

Never ever doubt the ability of the pen.

Introduction

This blog is a personal journal about a young man living in a cosmopolitan city, desperate for life lessons and personal development. If anyone comes across this blog and doesn’t know who this blog belongs to, you should not stay around to torture yourself. This is not an blog written for your entertainment. This is a personal space for me to write about my thoughts and feelings in the process of growing up, shared by my closest friends.